8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
