Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
