THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
