he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
