Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
