Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
