Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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