There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
