I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
