My first STD was from a foam party
bring money and cleavage
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
