I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I am full of burrito and curiosity
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
