So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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