At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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