you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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