Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
