You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
