i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
