Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
