you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
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