I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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