The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
