Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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