Cold hands, warm shart.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
