So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
