he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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