i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The best revenge is premature balding
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
