OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
