i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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