I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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