Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just invented taco cereal.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
