a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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