not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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