Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
