I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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