I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
