seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
