I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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