Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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