I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
