I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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