Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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