Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
