My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
