So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
