She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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