I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
