I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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