Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
