just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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