i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
